On fathers

This post is not about books.  This post is about my father.

My father and I have not always had the best of relationships.  He and my mother were separated long before I could walk – I never grew up with my parents as a couple.  He lived four states away, but I still saw him once a month and six weeks during the summer.  Our relationship was fine until I reached my teens, and I guess, retrospectively, I’m not sure how many of our problems were real and how many were teenage hormone-infused melodrama.  I guess we’re both to blame, but we would go three, five and then six months without talking.  I feel like he missed a big part of my growing up.  And for a long time I was angry about it.

Eventually, though, life happens and you stop being angry because you realize there are bigger and better places you could be directing all that energy.  There is nothing in this world I hate more than being angry or having someone be angry at me.  So I let it go and over the past two years, the relationship between my father and I has improved.  I rarely agree with what he says, but we’re content to agree to disagree and it’s ok.  There is no resentment, no anger, nothing but a relationship that we still need to work on.

I guess you’re probably wondering what brought all this on.  I guess I didn’t have the greatest day.  I think I’m in a funk because of the weather – I like a really good rain now and then, but there is nothing worse than a cold, constant drizzle.  I’m stressed out because school is getting crazier and crazier.  I’m stressed out because I’m starting a job and I hope it’s the right time to start and I hope that I won’t regret it.  So today, when all these thoughts were running through my head, and I was laying in bed in the dark, just trying to rest a little before the intense homework session I have planned for tonight, my dad called.  I don’t know what I was expecting.  Just our normal how’s it going oh fine I guess I’ll talk to you later conversation that we have every two weeks.  But it ended up being something quite different.

After asking me questions about what my plans are for grad school and everything he stopped and he said, “I don’t think you realize how proud I am of you and everything you’ve done.”  And I guess after everything today, after all the uncertainties I have about the decisions I’ve made over the past year, it was just exactly what I needed to hear.  For the first time, in a really long time, I remember what it is like to be daddy’s little girl.

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7 thoughts on “On fathers

  1. I’m glad you guys have a better relationship now, and that was a great thing for him to say.

    I have a very complicated relationship with my father-in most ways, I wish he’d left when I was little (due to his temper, he was pretty much emotionally abusive during my entire childhood). I’m hoping once we don’t live together, we’ll get along better, but there’s definitely a part of me that thinks he doesn’t deserve to have a close relationship with me.

  2. That’s so sweet Lu 🙂 I know what you mean about relationships with fathers…me and mine have never had a great relationship because I don’t agree with many of the choices he’s made in his life…and he’s just never really been there for me emotionally or physically. But there are certain times when he’ll tell me something that reminds me that there is love there underneath it all. It’s refreshing to hear that every now and then isn’t it? Nice post, Lu.

  3. Sometimes it takes a lot of patience to see the love lying underneath all the disagreements and non-getting-along-ness haha

    I totally love the rainy weather once in a while. But, what crazy weather everyone has now-a-days! I just want the weather to warm up – I’m feeling sorry for all the birds and the plants that keep freezing and drowning.

    And I know how you feel about school and work taking over your life. It is indeed getting crazier, what with finals (for me anyway) coming on. I can’t believe I’m still blogging when I should be studying :(. But, keep trying, its great that you can expand your capacity to do so many things at once. It’ll no doubt be a great skill to have in the future (I sound like my parents) – and oh, don’t forget to sleep properly and eat properly haha

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